Brewster's Millions

I recently watched Brewster's Millions with my mom, and for those of you that haven't seen the film, it's a comedy about a man who is about to inherit 300 million dollars, but to get it, he has to spend 30 million dollars in thirty days. There's restrictions. First off, he can't tell anyone why he is spending the money, or even that he has to spend it. He can give no more than five percent away, and no more than five percent can go to charity. He can't destroy anything of value--meaning he couldn't just go buy a couple of Picasso's and then set them on fire. If he hires someone, he has to get a service of value in return. Finally, by the end of the month, he must own nothing of value. To get the 300 million, Brewster can't have a single red cent left over of the 30 million.

The movie makes this spending spree out to be hard, but I've put a lot of thought to it over the past few days, and I think Brewster's problems were entirely due to a lack of creativity. I, for one, would have zero difficulty blowing 30 million in a month.

How I Would Waste 30 Million Dollars in a Month or Less

• First off, I'd dispatch with the easy part. Five percent of 30 million. I would hire a team of the most expensive lawyers money can buy to divide that money evenly between Equality Now, the American Civil Liberties Union, Greenpeace, and Wikipedia.
• All my friends go to the college of their choice for free. Additionally (employing another crack team of overpaid lawyers), I'd set up a trust fund for each friend that can't be accessed until he/she turns 65. No one's going to have to worry about retirement.
• Hire a pack of the most vicious and bloodthirsty immigration lawyers I can find to get Lav into the United States on an immigrant visa.
• Rent out the top floors of the most expensive hotels in the world for my friends and I to crash. I'd stay at each one for no more than four days before chartering a private jet to visit another city.
• At $50,000 a week, hire my friends/family/people on my Facebook list to:
• Buy up all available tickets to movies, plays, sporting events, and concerts that are scheduled to perform before the one-month deadline, and instruct the theatres to simply leave their doors open to whoever wants to walk in.
• Hire actors to stand on the street corners of their home cities/towns and perform Shakespeare to passerby.
• In alphabetical order, call up every private detective in the country and have them research into the background of every elected official currently serving in the United States. I'm thinking one detective per county official, five per state official, and twenty for a major politician ought to do it. In the event an investigation turns up something of interest, that information is to be forwarded anonymously to the media, and then posted on my blog.
• Hire every florist available to pave the streets with flower petals.
• Buy up 2 minute ads on prime-time TV and hire famous comedians to do something funny to fill up the air time.
• Parties. The kind that take professional planners and an army of hired help to pull off. I will, naturally, be serving the kind of wine that's about $900 a bottle.
• Hire every contestant that was ever on Top Chef to perform gourmet cooking demonstrations in the streets of every major US city.
• Back massages for everyone.
• Get Aerosmith to perform a private concert for me and 50 of my favorite people.
• Hire polka bands to play night and day outside the offices of anti-abortion groups.
• Take out full-page ads in the major magazines and newspapers listing my favorite books, movies, comics, and television shows. Beneath the lists, I politely suggest that anyone that doesn't agree with me wrong.
• Hire polka bands to play night and day outside the houses/offices of anyone in the media that suggests that I'm spending my money foolishly, and then hire lawyers to shield me from the inevitable harassment charges.

That ought to do it. Sadly, I wouldn't be able to buy any clothes, or shoes, or books with my money, which sucks, since they'd be considered assets, but otherwise, my list looks like a lot of fun. If any of you think of a better way to waste money, please do share.