Life never ceases to amaze me with how much it’s not like TV. For instance, according to Hollywood, my coworkers and I should be having dangerous and sexy adventures, but no one in the office appears to be having a sordid affair with the copy repair man, nor does anyone appear to be an uncover spy, and most disappointing of all, my boss isn’t evil. She doesn’t even have the decency to be petty or unreasonable. Her complete and utter lack of any semblance of a maniacal streak denies me my god-given right to struggle against the Man.This makes for some hideously boring gossip to overhear, such as the following from this morning: “I know, and that’s not even the half of it. When I finally got the MIR report from DigiTrack, I found out that Debora didn’t even co-sign the footer. Can you believe it?”
I’ve decided to spice things up. So I’m going to murder the guy in the next cubicle over, Lee. The guy has it coming.
No less than three times a day, people will congregate near his desk and talk about Virginia Tech’s football team, the stats associated with the players, the stats associate with the players Virginia Tech opposed last week, the odds V-Tech wil win next week, the effect of rain/altitude/alignment of the moon on the performance of the players, and other sorts of conversations that need to be carried out in a sound-proof bunker no less than 100 miles away from me.
Also, his name is a pain in the ass. There’s another girl in the office with my name, which means people often resort to calling me by stupid nicknames like “Little Girl,” or “The New Person.” And because there’s someone around called Lee, I can’t go by Li.
Finally, he’s been whistling for hours.
So, Lee’s a nice guy and all, but the man has got to go. I have (most of) all of it planned out. Lee and I get in early in the morning, before most anyone else shows up. So as long as my plan unfolds before 7:30, there’ll be no witnesses. I’m thinking for the murder weapon, I’ll drop the copier on him from a great height, which will kill two annoyances with one stone. Now all I have to do is plant evidence that Lee was a CIA agent and having an affair with the copier repair, who in turn squashed Lee with the copier over a tiff involving improperly completed MIR reports.
3 comments:
Security cameras. They'll see you're the only one in the building apart from, um, Lee.
You can set a trap for him or something to that effect; and that could be the thing that takes care of him without you even being near the office when it happens.
Now you only need to figure out how to set the trap without the cameras seeing you do it.
Two words:
Trained. Monkeys.
best of luck with that, let us all know how it goes.
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